Poor Baby Metro

Metro, according to some.

Yesterday, of all days, was a distasteful and odd day to pick a fight with us for having the audacity to even TALK to a Republican, but we suppose those in Metro’s pocket couldn’t help themselves. After all, it was a shameful day for the dwindling few Metro apologists.

Anyway, we opted for total silence yesterday out of deference, but today, we wanted to have a little fun.

The 2010 Unsuck DC Metro Award for Unintentionally Hilarious Blog Post goes to Greater Greater Washington (GGW) for its penetrating "Is the Washington Post too negative on Metro?"

Go ahead, wipe up the coffee you just snarfed.

Take a moment.

Dry the tears.

Yes, that was really the question posed.

Stop laughing!

Seriously, stop.

If you're looking for an example of how the Post, just like GGW, pedals softly on Metro's dysfunction, check out the ‘tude from union ringleader Jackie Jeter, which was never reported by either outlet--or any other for that matter. Just to underscore, she and her hubby are the head of a major union here in the DC area, and the price of her workers is a major reason WMATA continually finds itself in a budgetary pickle. She regularly testifies before congress. She is a key player when it comes to Metro, yet she apparently accuses those who question her authority of being racist. In the Unsuck book, that is news. Apparently not to the those mean ol' Metro bashers at the Post.

But getting back to the business at hand, we want to be the first to thank GGW for enlightening us about all the terrible things we’ve done to destroy Metro and hurt its feelings. If we'd only known Metro's sucking was our fault all along, we'd have stopped the blog long ago.

Thanks to GGW's infinite and unassailable wisdom, we feel gutted knowing we've dedicated so much time and effort only to accomplish nothing but being "destructive.":(

To re-educate ourselves, we decided to try on a pair of GGW glasses so that we could see Metro correctly, for its own unique--and expensive--inner beauty.

It was an amazing epiphany. Check it out.

• Massive, complex fare hikes became welcome lessons in common sense and budgeting.
• Texting bus drivers and sleeping operators became pranksters having a laugh.
  
• Surly Metro employees became comedic geniuses. (When they say 'f*ck y'all,' they really mean 'thank you for your patronage.' When they punch McGruff, it's funny. When they keep their jobs after doing such things, it's a real hoot.
  
• Broken escalators became a chance to get a little exercise and extra motivation to lose those stubborn love handles.
• Boiling hot, hermetically sealed Metro cars became free saunas, and our complexion improved markedly from sweating out the toxins we'd inhaled after an ol' Brakey McSmokels train had passed.
• Packed station platforms became a chance to mingle with our fellow riders, all of whom constantly sing Metro's praises.
• Track fires, in winter, became a welcome opportunity to warm our hands. In the summer, they were like having our own 4th of July, almost every day. Terrific!
• Door problems reminded us to seize the opportunity.
• Derailments became exciting joy rides.
  
• Free bus rides became a badge of honor around the office water cooler.
  
• Burny brake smell became the sweet fragrance of a well oiled machine.
• The lack of schedules taught us how to relinquish control and embrace the unexpected.
• Offloads became a chance to admire the uniqueness of a strange station.
• Metro nausea became a welcome appetite suppressant.
  
• Single tracking became a chance to ponder eternity.
• Delays in both directions became a great excuse to cancel unwanted social commitments.
  
• Stopping for what seemed like an eternity in a tunnel gave us a chance to admire what an engineering marvel of the '70s Metro really is.
• Delays? Who cares if you don’t have a job and don't need to be anywhere on time?
• A Metro employee doing their job became a hero
  
• An uneventful commute became reason for heartfelt gratitude.
  
• Any fault of Metro became a reason to shovel more money at it.
  
• Metro's attempts to protract the legal battle over the deaths of 6/22 became a fantastic opportunity to learn about the American legal system.

Thank you GGW. You’ve been so right about Metro for so long.

It is all basically fine.

We will continue reading your posts on Metro to remind us of that. We are really looking forward to your next installment in a long series of posts from Craig Simpson, the Legislative and Political Representative for ATU Local 689.

We ALREADY agree!

OK. Now we’re feeling a bit guilty about bashing poor, helpless baby Metro. We’d like to retract any sarcastic/snarky comments for fear we've saddened a Metro employee and/or staff member past, present or future.

There there Metro.

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