Metro GM Richard "Catoe" Sarles wrote a memo about some changes in the "executive leadership team."
Nothing says "we're moving in the right direction" like shuffling (promoting) some Metro executives, none of whom really have a role in the fundamental, day to day operations of the failing system.
Here's how the memo sounded to me.
Over the last 18 months, we've been doing great. Everything is just fine. Really, it is. Trust me. A+ all around. Well done.
But there are some changes--all for the better, I assure you.
Our chief of staff, Shiva Pant, wants out, but I can't find anyone to replace him, so I'm begging him to stay on in a title I made up. We'll call it "Chief Policy Officer- Dulles Metrorail Extension." As such, he'll be paid very handsomely.
Since she's proven incompetent in her current role, I've promoted Barbara Richardson, formerly Assistant General Manager for Customer Service, Communications and Marketing, to take Pant's position as chief of staff. Because I was able to give Pant a dump truck full of money to stay on, Richardson, who was also fired from Amtrak, will continue to only perform her former responsibilities and come up with magnificent, impactful PR and spin schemes that continue to forge stronger relations with our customers. She'll do so at a higher salary and with a more impressive title. She is, after all, a former colleague of mine from Amtrak, and we stick together.
Since Barb's position will be vacant, it only makes sense to appoint her flunky and fellow failure, Lynn Bowersox, who helped me at NJ Transit and Amtrak, to her former position. Bowersox, formerly the Managing Director, Office of Public Relations, you may recall, said chief spokesman Dan Stessel's comment, "one person's harassment is another person's flirting" was "balanced and thoughtful." Brilliant. She's got that Metro spirit alright, and I look forward to her continued contributions in a higher-paid role.
In Bowersox's absence, Twitter guru, social media trailblazer and camera shy Dan Stessel, also from NJ Transit and Amtrak, will be more responsible for maintaining Metro's five-star, solid gold image with area commuters. Based on what I hear, everyone likes Danny. Solid job on all fronts.
Lastly, Nat Bottigheimer, my buddy, and our head planner had a good run, capped off by his involvement in a credit card scandal in which he “accepted responsibility for the procurement card irregularities in [his] area that were identified” for his "employees in the planning department at Metro have used agency credit cards to buy camcorders, gift cards, Kindle e-readers and even a set of designer earbuds." Sadly, Nat broke Metro's number one rule: Don't get caught. He won't be punished, but instead will be leaving to pursue other interests and spend more time with his family. We wish him well and happy shopping.
I am confident these changes will further the cause of Metro management lining their pockets with your fares and tax dollars. Please continue to pay more to fund the massive, new mismanagement I will preside over as it takes effect.