Unsuck DC Metro: Dumb and Dumber

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Dumb and Dumber

Yesterday, the Washington Post, in an effort to be relevant, I guess, hosted a "Hangout with Dr. Gridlock" on Google+ featuring Metro boss Richard "Dick" Sarles.

The production quality was about what you'd expect from a newspaper trying to do TV, and the answers from Sarles were as predictable as gravity, but what really stole the show, for me at least, was the question from the one, plain ol' rider on the panel. He was supposed to represent riders and riders' perspectives.

With his big chance to ask the Metro honcho tough question during the rather short 30-minute chat, what did he come up with?

"Why are some stations center platform and why are some stations side platform?"

Gah!

I'd like Unsuck readers to try to come up with a worse question.

I'll get the ball rolling:

Why do trains have wheels?
Why don't Metro trains have cabooses?
Why is the subway underground?

I'll send the dumbest five to Stessel.

I should warn you that I don't anticipate a response since he still hasn't coughed up the full $200,000 "report" on " what if there were no Metro" even though he said he would and, like all of you, I paid 16 cents for it.

Other items:
Metro hiring 1,000 more (WaPo)
Look at all the Metrobus accidents (WTOP)
Riders say they will abandon Metro (Examiner)

Comments (140)

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+9 Vote up Vote down

Anony · 689 weeks ago

How is Dan Stessel so sexy?

1 reply · active 689 weeks ago

+36 Vote up Vote down

Jackie Jeter · 689 weeks ago

How come Metro workers are paid so little when the service they provide to customers is so great?

+25 Vote up Vote down

Jackie Jeter · 689 weeks ago

Mr. Sarles,

Do you believe in slavery?

1 reply · active 688 weeks ago

+9 Vote up Vote down

Radner · 689 weeks ago

What doesn't suck about Metro?

1 reply · active 689 weeks ago

+40 Vote up Vote down

anon · 689 weeks ago

If I lick the third rail, what will happen?

1 reply · active 689 weeks ago

+29 Vote up Vote down

b · 689 weeks ago

Mr. Sarles has anyone ever said you look like Emperor Palpatine? (I mean that in a good way.)

2 replies · active 689 weeks ago

+22 Vote up Vote down

guess · 689 weeks ago

What did you have for breakfast this morning and as a follow up, was it good?

+12 Vote up Vote down

· 689 weeks ago

How do I get from Foggy Bottom to Farragut West?

1 reply · active 689 weeks ago

+34 Vote up Vote down

Art Vandalay · 689 weeks ago

Do Metro doors operate like elevator doors?

What's the number for 911?

+33 Vote up Vote down

Sizzle · 689 weeks ago

Why do people pretend Dr. Gridlock is relevant?

No, seriously. I read it from time to time in the Express. He doesn't explain anything, add any opinion or insight to a discussion, or even forward readers' probes along to Metro. Who funds him? Who gives a flaming piss what that idiot says?

Question from Stacy at Foggy Bottom:
The escalators at Foggy Bottom never work, and it makes it difficult for people to exit the station en masse. I worry that one day there will be a fire, or some emergency, and people will be trapped in the station by sheer crowd volume. Is this a legitimate concern?

Dr. Gridlock:
Yes, we do get a lot of complaints about broken escalators in the Metro system. I'm not sure what the service schedule looks like.

Me:
WHY IS THIS BEING PUBLISHED!?

2 replies · active 688 weeks ago

+20 Vote up Vote down

anon2 · 689 weeks ago

Is it true that a raccoon is the official Metro mascot? If so, what's its name?

1 reply · active 689 weeks ago

+25 Vote up Vote down

Nick · 689 weeks ago

Why are the lines named after colors?

+4 Vote up Vote down

UnSuck Fan · 689 weeks ago

What percentage of the fare increase will go to more escalator parties?

+4 Vote up Vote down

DC Denizen · 689 weeks ago

Are there any elevator outages in the system today?

Is there a station bathroom I could use?

What's your favorite color?

-6 Vote up Vote down

Steve · 689 weeks ago

Why is the sky blue?

Or, better yet, why is the Metro called "Metro?"

+10 Vote up Vote down

DC Denizen · 689 weeks ago

Why do you answer PARP requests for WTOP and not for Unsuck?

1 reply · active 689 weeks ago

+9 Vote up Vote down

bro · 689 weeks ago

Beers later, bro?

+8 Vote up Vote down

Sizzle · 689 weeks ago

As a color blind citizen, how am I expected to navigate the system? Apparently, you do believe in slavery.

+23 Vote up Vote down

Anon · 689 weeks ago

What key is that metro door chime in?

Why do some cars have orange carpeting, and others have blue?

+47 Vote up Vote down

Stan Dessel · 689 weeks ago

Why is there no Farragut South?

+20 Vote up Vote down

Another Anon · 689 weeks ago

Are Farragut West and Farragut North different entrances to the same station?

+11 Vote up Vote down

Dan Stessel's Dad · 689 weeks ago

Would you like to have a tickle fight?

+13 Vote up Vote down

Another Anon · 689 weeks ago

How come all of the subway isn't underground?

+11 Vote up Vote down

Another Anon · 689 weeks ago

Can the trains run in the rain?

+7 Vote up Vote down

Dan Stessel's Mom · 689 weeks ago

Did Dan Stessel ever get off the fence re: whether Unsuck was craving attention?

+17 Vote up Vote down

Orange Line Joe · 689 weeks ago

No seriously, why don't Metro trains have cabooses?

+8 Vote up Vote down

Dan Stessel's Turd · 689 weeks ago

What's this sore on the side of my mouth?

+6 Vote up Vote down

Dan Stessel · 689 weeks ago

Why is Dan Stessel's mom posting irreverent questions on Unsuck to her own son?

+29 Vote up Vote down

Dr. Gridlock · 689 weeks ago

Once again Mr. Sarles, I'm not going to accept any equivocation on this. What is your favorite Metro line and why? My readers demand an answer.

+34 Vote up Vote down

Dan Stessel's Wife · 689 weeks ago

Why doesn't the train take me directly to my house?

2 replies · active 689 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

Charles · 689 weeks ago

Serious question - is there a transcript of this online chat with Dr Gridlock available? Because I can't find it on the link to the Washington Post website.

2 replies · active 689 weeks ago

+42 Vote up Vote down

Rich Sarles · 689 weeks ago

Where did Dr. Gridlock go to medical school?

+4 Vote up Vote down

John · 689 weeks ago

Serious question here:
How many people asked questions for that chat? Did anyone get their question selected?
I asked 5. They were polite, but critical. None were selected.

1 reply · active 688 weeks ago

+7 Vote up Vote down

John · 689 weeks ago

What is your favorite "Metro Forward" poster?

+8 Vote up Vote down

F'n JD · 689 weeks ago

Why do we have 44,000 different fare combinations? Is the administrative staff, I mean the Board, that stupid?

+7 Vote up Vote down

Dr. Gridlock · 689 weeks ago

Why is Metro so cheap?

+41 Vote up Vote down

Will · 689 weeks ago

Why don't Metro trains go "choo choo" like a real train? The car style horn is no effective at all.

+25 Vote up Vote down

Stuart · 689 weeks ago

Why should we "utilize" all doors instead of "using" them?

1 reply · active 689 weeks ago

+24 Vote up Vote down

@VeggieTart · 689 weeks ago

Why do some seats face backward and others face forward?

+2 Vote up Vote down

@europamo · 689 weeks ago

How much does the subway cost in Paris?

1 reply · active 689 weeks ago

+6 Vote up Vote down

sadfas · 689 weeks ago

What's the number for the Metro police again? 202 9....just can't get it.

+4 Vote up Vote down

Another Anon · 689 weeks ago

Why are some stations above ground and some underground?

+78 Vote up Vote down

John · 689 weeks ago

Is that your bag?

4 replies · active 688 weeks ago

0 Vote up Vote down

jdd · 689 weeks ago

Why aren't the trains diesel?

+3 Vote up Vote down

Emi · 689 weeks ago

Whose diaper was left next to the platform at Metro Center for months?

+1 Vote up Vote down

Dr. Gridlock · 689 weeks ago

Tell me about how you invented NextBus and why it's so great.

-11 Vote up Vote down

jenster8dc · 689 weeks ago

What is the PMS color of the orange seats?

-1 Vote up Vote down

jenster8dc · 689 weeks ago

Which elevators are out of services again?

1 reply · active 689 weeks ago

+23 Vote up Vote down

anonymous · 689 weeks ago

If you had to pick your favorite Washington area subway, which would it be?

-1 Vote up Vote down

Ashley · 689 weeks ago

What's the definition of an escalator?

+3 Vote up Vote down

UnSuck Fan · 689 weeks ago

Why don't they actually LISTEN to UnSuck and all of the blog's followers?? Oh wait......

+7 Vote up Vote down

@chrisunwired · 689 weeks ago

What does WMATA stand for and could you spell it? I looked at your map for the answer but the spelling seems off...

+2 Vote up Vote down

Emi · 689 weeks ago

I don't have anywhere important to be on the weekend or on holidays, should I ride Metro?

+11 Vote up Vote down

Kipp · 689 weeks ago

What would Washington be like without METRO? Tell me, please!! I'm begging you... I need to know.

+6 Vote up Vote down

@alexlavr · 689 weeks ago

What if I want to stand on the left side of the escalator?

-1 Vote up Vote down

What did he say? · 689 weeks ago

Which do you prefer? The inner belt, or outer belt?

+6 Vote up Vote down

Arnaud · 689 weeks ago

Why the refurbished metro don't have carpet anymore? If I have to be stuck inside during single tracking, I like to feel "Hone swwet home" in it!

How a "No Passenger" train can pass the previous passenger train?
If he can't, what's the point of "No passenger" train, particularly during track maintenance?

Do the metro workers need sunlight in the tunnel during the track maintenance? If the don't, why do you have to do the track maintenance during the day?

Why is there so many "Not in service" buses on Wisconsin Avenue on Friday evening (My best is 7 in a row) ? Eagerness of your employees to be back home for the weekend?

+53 Vote up Vote down

noob · 689 weeks ago

First time riding Metro?

1 reply · active 689 weeks ago

+23 Vote up Vote down

Anon · 689 weeks ago

Do you prefer to do it "Metro Forward" or "Single Tracking"?

+1 Vote up Vote down

Lori · 689 weeks ago

Here's my dumb question.

Why did you choose primary colors for the train lines? Wouldn't some Pastels have been better?

+58 Vote up Vote down

Vienna Bound · 689 weeks ago

Why do some of the stairs in stations look like escalators?

+3 Vote up Vote down

Guest2 · 689 weeks ago

Do the employees that you hire and promote as managers with personal problems make good managers and run the system efficiently/effectively?

+5 Vote up Vote down

John · 689 weeks ago

How do you like your eggs? Scrambled, boiled, sunny side up?

-2 Vote up Vote down

@thejonrose · 689 weeks ago

As I understand it, the budget shortfall for the next year is $116 million.

Between the secret shopper nonsense and the propaganda report on "what dc would look like without a metro system), it seems like they blew at least half a million.

That's not much of the $116 million but how can they justify that stuff in this environment. And that's just the wasteful spending I know about.

+4 Vote up Vote down

Guest · 689 weeks ago

Why do people poop on Metro?

+5 Vote up Vote down

Guestalt · 689 weeks ago

What is your favorite color?
In the alternative: what is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

1 reply · active 689 weeks ago

+32 Vote up Vote down

Kevin · 689 weeks ago

Is there any particular reason your staircases are constructed with grooved metal?

1 reply · active 689 weeks ago

+9 Vote up Vote down

Matt · 689 weeks ago

What is your favorite activity to pass the time during a train delay?

+22 Vote up Vote down

Matt · 689 weeks ago

Can I rent out a train and have my birthday party on it?

+3 Vote up Vote down

anonny · 689 weeks ago

What is your spirit animal?

+21 Vote up Vote down

Joe B · 689 weeks ago

Does Metro ever double track?

+5 Vote up Vote down

Pat · 689 weeks ago

Will we be able to use the beverage car during extended delays?

+14 Vote up Vote down

Ever Anon · 689 weeks ago

Do you support equal rights employment and hire the visually impaired to drive your trains?

Why can't the trains all be pink outside and blue inside?

When will brake dust start smelling like Chanelle #5 instead of fish?

Can ya make the brake dust smell like burgers n onions?

Why don't you have more tracks so more trains can run?

When are you building tracks so the train comes by my house?

Do we really have to have doors on the trains? It slows me down.

Can we have window shades?

Can I have a puppy on the train? Can I have two?

Are we there yet?

Why are there no potty rooms on the trains?

If the end of the world comes in December like the Mayans say it will, do I get a refund on my SmartBenefits for the rest of the year?

4 replies · active 688 weeks ago

+11 Vote up Vote down

Anony Mouse · 689 weeks ago

Why are there monkey bars on the trains?

+18 Vote up Vote down

Anony Mouse · 689 weeks ago

What's the SmartCard's IQ?

+13 Vote up Vote down

MadAsHeck · 689 weeks ago

If I see somthing, should I say something? Or just keep quiet?

+5 Vote up Vote down

guest · 689 weeks ago

Why do the wheels on the bus go round and round? Oh wait this is Metro, so they don't.

+14 Vote up Vote down

guest · 689 weeks ago

The seats on the orange line are orange. Why aren't they blue on the blue line and red on the redl ine?

+7 Vote up Vote down

Calabria · 689 weeks ago

Would you rather: Michael Taborn or Janet Napolitano?

+11 Vote up Vote down

xxx · 689 weeks ago

I took the Metro the other day, and there weren't any delays. What gives?

+13 Vote up Vote down

John · 689 weeks ago

Why don't you call the Red and Green lines "Christmas Lines" during Christmas Season? Is Metro part of the WAR ON CHRISTMAS?!?!

1 reply · active 689 weeks ago

+12 Vote up Vote down

Guest · 689 weeks ago

Have you considered raising revenue by designating "Singles Trains", complete with cash bars and smoking sections?

+2 Vote up Vote down

UnSuck Fan · 689 weeks ago

I see that @transportgooru tweeted about UnSuck and Dr. Gridlock's interview with Sarles.

My newest question is, "How are you able to sit after UnSuck and his followers rip you a new one?!?"

+11 Vote up Vote down

Kevin · 689 weeks ago

During the 2003 Iraq War, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf (aka 'the Iraqi Information Minister), became well known for his grandiose and grossly unrealistic propaganda broadcasts prior to and during the war. Did he and Dan Stessel go to school together?

1 reply · active 689 weeks ago

-2 Vote up Vote down

n2deep · 689 weeks ago

Why?

-4 Vote up Vote down

Stessel's Cat · 689 weeks ago

Is Dr. Gridlock really a dentist?

1 reply · active 689 weeks ago

-16 Vote up Vote down

Every Male in DC · 689 weeks ago

Why are there so many ugly people in DC, and what did you do to cause this problem?

+9 Vote up Vote down

awy · 689 weeks ago

Mr. Sarles: I for one would like to congratulate you and the fine folks at Metro for finishing Farragut's crossing in less than 20 years. How did you achieve such speed and such a marvel of engineering in such a short amount if time?

+5 Vote up Vote down

Guest · 689 weeks ago

Have you always been so good looking?

+2 Vote up Vote down

Emile · 689 weeks ago

Why did the chicken cross the road?

+11 Vote up Vote down

Joolz · 689 weeks ago

Am I allowed to keep the mice I find on Metro as pets?

Could we get double-decker trains? This would solve the rush hour crowding problems.

+1 Vote up Vote down

@thejonrose · 689 weeks ago

What would DC be like if there were no Metro system and -- inexplicably -- no other form of mass transportation were provided by any public or private companies?

+19 Vote up Vote down

GlenmontGirl · 689 weeks ago

Does the "ARR" on the PIDS really mean that the driver is a pirate?

1 reply · active 688 weeks ago

+7 Vote up Vote down

Anti-TB Guy · 688 weeks ago

What would Metro be like if there were no DC?

+6 Vote up Vote down

Homer J. Fong · 688 weeks ago

How many years and how much money has METRO spent "studying" a pedestrian walkway between Gallery Place and Metro Center?

oops. Real question. My bad.

I already know the answer to the first part: 29 F$@#%n years!

+2 Vote up Vote down

Homer J. Fong · 688 weeks ago

But seriously, I'd suggest a "where are they now" segment for the next interview and we can discuss what's happened to the last Metro voice lady (who used to sound like she said: "George Clinton. Please stand clear of the George."

+2 Vote up Vote down

Guest · 688 weeks ago

Why do people who complain about unions vote for Democrats?

+3 Vote up Vote down

Anon · 688 weeks ago

Where did Stadium-Armory get its name from?

+4 Vote up Vote down

Lisa · 688 weeks ago

Can you recommend a good parking garage in downtown DC?

-1 Vote up Vote down

anon · 688 weeks ago

Can you tell me where the station brass band is playing? I tend to hear them frequently (by the escalators especially) but i can't seem to tell where they are. Are they spirits or something????