Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Metro Riders Thrilled With Shocking Announcement

In a stunning move, Metro’s highly compensated general manager John Catoe announced that April is “No Delay” month for the troubled mass transit service.
“We’re going to do whatever it takes to make sure people who use Metro are satisfied with its performance,” he said at a hastily gathered press conference at Metro’s headquarters in Washington, DC, that was supposed to start at 9 a.m but was delayed until 10:45. “We can no longer rest on our laurels,” he added yet again referring to the general cleanliness of the system and the record crowds the system handled on Inauguration Day.
Catoe said that even though he doesn’t personally ever take Metro, he has been inundated with reports of customers rolling their eyes and cursing under their breath as service disruptions mount. He added that he has instructed all Metro workers to do their best to ensure customer satisfaction, adding there will be “no weak links” among Metro employees. Any employees caught lollygagging will be fined $5, he said forcefully pounding the podium with his fist.
“We want to set a new standard at Metro,” he said. “Gone are the days of multiple derailments, budget gaps, trains suddenly going out of service and botched repair work. Starting in April, Metro is going to join the ranks of other transit systems around the world which are widely seen as dependable and efficient.”
Catoe refused to answer questions on what would happen if there were a delay during the month.
News of the surprising announcement sent thousands to Metro’s Web site for more information, apparently crashing the system, which was unavailable at press time.
Reaction from the riding public was enthusiastic.
"It took me all weekend to get home last weekend," said John Smith who takes Metro's beleaguered Red line, which was hampered by a double derailment over the weekend. "If what Catoe says is true, I'm really looking forward to spending weekends with my family again."

Quick hits:
Metro to open early for Credit Union Cherry Blossom 10-mile Run and 5K Run-Walk
Online chat with our favorite Metro GM himself on April 3

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Anonymous said...


Frank C. By said...

Nice one. If only...

Anonymous said...

well played sir

Anonymous said...

Do you write for the Onion? Same tone.

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